North Pole data leakage woes

Not even old Saint Nick is immune from the need for a good data management and protection regime.

First, we have confirmation that his naughty and nice database has been hacked.

Now, there are credible rumors that the North Pole CIO has been covering up a years-long, systemic problem with Santa losing mobile devices. According to unidentified sources, the list of allegations includes:

  • Lack of priority for safeguarding key data, especially through mobile systems. Recent refits for the sled have focused on tracking transponders for “greater publicity”, but no corresponding upgrades to mobile IT systems. These systems are specifically characterized as “obsolete 286 systems running DOS and home-brew Paradox applications written by some dentist in his spare time.”
  • Habitual problems with smartphones. In order to ensure inexpensive world-wide access, Santa’s system includes the use of multiple handsets from strategically selected regional carriers. “In the last several years, Santa has yet to come back from his Christmas Eve run without having lost at least three of his devices,” one insider claims, “and of course we don’t have remote wipe capabilities. That would require him spending money.”
  • Lax information and network practices, including no formal security policies or processes. Remote accesses aren’t even protected via SSL, according to sources, since “anyone who’s so cheap they haven’t updated stock PR footage of elves making wooden toys isn’t likely to shell out for a respected SSL certificate or PKI infrastructure.”

It will take time to gather confirmation of these claims, but if they are true, it shows a shocking disregard for basic security best practices at the North Pole.

One Response to North Pole data leakage woes

  1.  

    This is all fascinating, but I find the allegations about Santa carrying mobile devices very hard to believe. He’s running the risk that someone with inside access to carrier data will get a fix on his position and shoot him down. It’s a wonder he’s still able to do the 2009 run. He is alive, isn’t he?
    - PB

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